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Putting a Baby to Bed in 25 Easy Steps

June 8, 2010

The secret to putting a baby to sleep is to ensure there is as little intervention as possible, so as not to awake nor stimulate her.

  1. Turn off anything that can make a sound, dim lights and wait for her to fall asleep after the last milk bottle of the night.
  2. Carry her upstairs to the cot.
  3. Take her back downstairs to switch off the stairwell lights.
  4. Take her back upstairs and jiggle her around to open with one hand in the dark the bedroom door that should have been already open.
  5. Place her in the cot.
  6. Lift her again to place the sleeping bag in the cot.
  7. Place her in the cot.
  8. Lift her again to open the sleeping bag in the cot. Watch her wake because of this.
  9. Place her in cot. Watch her cry for one minute and then lift her to feed milk.
  10. Put her crying back in the cot and go downstairs to get milk bottle.
  11. On re-entering bedroom notice new milk stains over bib and take off bib.
  12. Feed child with milk.
  13. Realise bib should be replaced with clean one.
  14. Put her crying back in the cot and go back downstairs to get clean bib.
  15. Ignore inquiring eyes of wife.
  16. Put clean bib on and feed.
  17. Watch her fall asleep in arms and move to place in cot.
  18. Repeat last step after waking her with a falling milk bottle crashing on the floor.
  19. Watch her fall asleep in arms and move to place in cot.
  20. Realise bib still on and take off bib.
  21. Watch as she vomits milk over body clothes.
  22. Change body clothes.
  23. Repeat steps 14 – 17. Then take bib off.
  24. Trip over bedroom lamp in dark and let it crash to floor waking her up.
  25. Take child down to wife to let her put it to sleep.
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One Comment leave one →
  1. federay permalink
    June 8, 2010 12:14 pm

    OH – FOR – GOD’S – SAKE – DADDY!!

    x

    ps Maria: how do you manage…?

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